A few days ago, Mallman had a really good (but sad) blog about how the U.S. is seeing a major increase in the number of people who are starving, RIGHT HERE, IN OUR COUNTRY! 

Now, it's not to say that I or anyone else is without feeling for other countries, or the people who are starving the world over, but one thing that is remotely political that I do have feelings on is how our country rushes to the aid of every single country out there (or so it seems) however when it comes to making sure it's own people are taken care of, way too many people are falling through the cracks in the system.  It's red tape, it's

Bureaucracy at it's finest, but many nights, Mothers or Fathers (or both) do without a meal so their children can eat.  If ya don't believe me, go read the blog Mallman wrote!  He sited some good articles in his blog, and I know he feels just as strongly as I do about this.

Ok, so we can't change the world, we can't change the government per se, as there will always be foreign aid to other countries, and I do understand that, and I can't say that I have a problem feeding other starving people too, however it's up to us people to take care of our own!  If we don't do it, no one will!  So here is what I had in mind!

It's a little Challenge I would like to put out there for the whole Mindsay Community!  What would be ideal, would be for this to be a monthly event, not just now, because the average amount of charitable donations do tend to go up at this time of year, but people struggle all year round. 

So IF YOU DARE...Spread this to friends, family, coworkers, and anyone else you can think of.  Make it a dare too, for some reason, people can't help but resisting a dare.  (Don't ask me why?)  If you are personally struggling, you may yourself not be able to contribute, but it cost you nothing to encourage and remind others to do this...so you CAN use the lung power you have and that costs nothing.  Do what you can, be it a can, a box, or a bag. 

BUT DONATE, AND DO IT ON A REGULAR BASIS TO YOUR LOCAL FOOD BANKS! 

You can do it once a month, or you can do it in many different ways.  I have decided that I am going to purchase non perishables each and every time I go to the grocery store, even if it's just to run in and buy a gallon of milk.  I will buy a can or two of vegies, or whatever, and I will collect it in a box in my home, and once a month, I will take it to the local food pantry.  I figure that a little bit here and there won't hurt me at all, and if I can ever make larger contributions, (for example, when I get my Christmas bonus) I may purchase a case of canned goods.  But I have to do this.  I think that if you can pay your bills and are not too horribly in debt, you can do this too.  It doesn't have to be a lot either.  Just imagine, if you were that Mom or Dad that had to go without a meal or two..........wouldn't a can of green beans or corn or spaghettio's be better than nothing?  We owe this to our fellow man (and woman) and it should be a goal of anyone who reads this to spread the word, to make sure we impact as many people as possible.

Were you going to buy someone who already has everything they could possibly want or use another useless Christmas gift?  Why not purchase and donate a case of food to your local food pantry and just give them a card telling them you did it in their honor?  I bet they would feel just as good, and the Christmas spirit you are sharing, and spreading in this way is helping more people to survive on a day to day basis.

Now, before you go, let me remind you of something very important.

DO THIS YEAR ROUND........NOT JUST NOW! 

This time of year, more people open their wallets, more people tend to be a bit more generous.  But if you have it now, and you also have it say, in March, or May, July, August or September, you should be doing it whenever you can.  Someday, it could be you!

SO MINDSAY..............DO THIS...........IF YOU DARE!!!  AND CHALLENGE THOSE AROUND YOU TO DO IT TOO!  TOGETHER, WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR THOSE IN NEED!

If you see me pop in from time to time now, it's because I am going to come back a little at a time.  I am not capable of "taking it easy" apparently and worked myself into a state of near physical/mental exhaustion.  So close to the point that my therapist advised if I did not start to cut back IMMEDIATELY, I would likely end up in the hospital in a month or less for said physical/mental exhaustion.  So, I am no longer working weekends, no more than 10 hours a day (and I will be likely to work less than that more often than not).  The success of the  new programming at work has now been forced to be on the shoulders of those who designed it.  My bosses were told this week of my dilemma and responded very graciously.  In fact, they basically told me that I was too valuable to lose under any circumstances (wish that came with a damn raise!!)  So, I am starting the whole rest/recovery phase of nearly working myself beyond my limitations. 

You will see me from time to time, but not daily, so if I don't reply to you, or read a blog, it's just because I'm not back all the time.  My Father continues to have health issues, and my Mother still has a surgery (cataract) to get through, so I have external, non working stresses that will continue, but I have to start being nicer to myself now.  I have some very special people in my life that want/need me to stick around, so I have to make sure to listen to the advice my mind/body was giving me.

Ok, so I know it's been a long time since I blogged, and truthfully, I don't have much that has changed in my own life other than the fact that I'm always tired and I work too hard.  My brain has fried itself and overheated more times than I can count since January, and my time at Mindsay is still something that won't be abundant.

However, I noticed on my friends list that I lost someone very special to me, so I emailed him to ask if he was ok.  We've been friends since he/I joined Mindsay, and he is without a doubt one of the most giving and loving individuals I've ever gotten to know here.  He has suffered more personal loss in his life than most of us can even imagine, however he does not ask for pity, nor does he advertise all the crap life has dealt to him in order to gain any pity.  All he has ever done has been to share his journey in the hopes that someone else going through the same or similar circumstances may eke one iota of comfort or solace out of his words, and he stood by that the entire time he was at Mindsay.  He's gone now, and I seriously don't think he intends to come back, but that's ok.  His life is continuing to be a massive struggle and it is that struggle that I want to share with you briefly in the hopes that those of you with a heart and soul and humanity within you can utter a prayer or two on behalf of his oldest daugther.

Bobcat818 has suffered a great deal of personal loss in his life.  First his wife, soulmate, the love of his life was hit and killed by a drunken driver leaving him to raise 3 little girls alone.  Then his sister was struck with cancer (she's alive and has finally made it through the battle thankfully).  Now, as they finally feel perhaps they may have found a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, they are again faced with something so very painful it defies words.  His oldest daughter has been diagnosed with Restrictive Cardiomyopathy.  This is the very same child who held her Daddy's hand when he sat down to tell the 3 girls of their mothers' death and told him "Daddy, don't worry, I'll take care of things now."  This is the little girl turned woman who helps to take care of her little sisters, not because it is expected of her, but because she loves them and this is what the older sister would do in a case like this.  Now this child (and YES, she IS still a child at her young age of 12) is faced with something that threatens her own mortality!   The fact that the most serious cases of Restrictive Cardiomyopathy have but a few treatment options other than heart transplantation leave you with little room to wonder just how serious this ailment is and just what little Shannon is facing. 

So to all of you who have it in your heart to pray for a child, one who is sweet and loving, who deserves a shot at life, PRAY FOR SHANNON!!!  Bob did not ask me to post this, he is too busy loving his daughter (all of them of course), and doing what he can to ensure she receives the best possible medical care so that the end result enables Shannon to live.  I ask you for these prayers because I believe in the power of prayer.  I also know that to not post this reduces the number of prayers said.  One never knows which exact prayer is the one that will work, will resound the loudest, will matter the most, and I don't want to take that chance.

If you pray for Shannon, you won't receive a million dollars in the mail, you won't win any awards, you may not ever even get any personal recognition for that prayer, but in the most important way, if you pray for Shannon, you are showing that Faith, Hope, & Love can work miracles.

Thank you!  PM 

I could never recreate this so I thought I would just repost it.......it goes without saying that the past 2 years have only served to increase my love and pride for you lil girl!

reposted from 5/4/2006

this is lovingly dedicated to Kim aka Wonderingsoul  May you always know how much you are loved.

Happy Birthday my Dear, Sweet Daughter....

God, 23 (now 25!!) years already!  Where did the time go?  IT WAS just yesterday when after 36 hours of not so fun labor I pushed you into this world, only to discover you were not breathing.  My heart stopped as I looked at the purple little child that the doctor lay on my chest.  "Isn't she supposed to be crying/breathing?"  He looked at you all of a sudden, as a real baby, not just an assembly line product, and grabbed you from me, taking you to the side of the room and laying you on the metal counter that went around the entire room.  Your Dad and I got tears in our eyes as we heard the doctor yell at you "breathe dammit, you have to breathe, you can't die".  God how it seems just yesterday, yet here it is 23 (now 25!!) years later, and so many days, weeks, months, years, and memories have past.  I recall the glorious feeling when I was allowed to have you in my room and was able to feed you after you were 3 days old.  Mothers are supposed to be able to hold their children from birth, and I truly felt robbed of that until 3 days later, when you became all too real, and wonderful to me.  You smiled from the first time I held you, and despite what the doctors say, I know it was a real smile.  Aaaaah, yes, that beautiful smile.  Those pink cheeks, the long fingers, all that dark hair!  You were a beautiful baby, and you have grown into a beautiful young woman.  Perfect?  I think not, but then I realize that none of us are, and I would be hardpressed to find perfection anywhere.  But you came as close as it gets.

I remember all the sad times, the sick times, the day you had a fever that went up to 105 and I was then introduced to the term "Roseola".  That would have been a difficult time, however in retrospect, it got worse.  When you were a mere 18 months old, still a baby, looking totally healthy and rosey cheeked, the doctors told us that you had diabetes and that we would have to give you shots, poke your little fingers multiple times daily to check your blood sugar.  How bittersweet it became when you realized very quickly that this was not going to go away.  You would come up to us when you were hungry and ask us to poke your finger for you had associated that finger poke with getting something to eat.  You were not the most cooperative child getting blood taken every 3 months, however you never blamed the phlebotomist, you always thanked them for "hurting you".  Despite this rough and rocky start, you were a wonderful child, happy and for the most part very carefree, and all who knew you loved you.  You were simply irresistable...

Kindergarten and all the accompanying giggles and "new friends" was a wonderful and scary time for me.  To see you blossom and go out and start to make your way in the world was great, but terrified that no teacher, no babysitter, no one could ever take care of you the way your Mommy did....a very difficult time.  Then the years just flew, and before you knew it, you had a baby brother.  Life was sweet, for a time, but even when it wasn't, you were a wonderful child to have, and I will ALWAYS cherish every single moment of your life, of our life together.  We overcame what we had to, you continued to grow sweeter and more beautiful *in my eyes if no others*  Grade school seemed to be the calmest, and easiest for you, but once you hit high school, things became difficult beyond compare.  But thru it all, I was there for you, and I won't stop being there for you.  Some laugh and call me a "Mother Lion" and yes, that's true, but in reality, I think all Mothers should feel this way towards their children, even though sadly they don't.

As you are now into your young adult years, and have encountered adult struggles that make those childhood problems seem silly now even though I assure you that at the time you did NOT think they were, I see you growing in ways that impress me beyond the Mother/Daughter bond.  You are achieving some excellent qualities that took me almost til my 40th year to achieve, and the pride I feel for you grows deeper and deeper with each passing day.  I hope that I am around for many, many more years, to see the joys you encounter along the way, to help strengthen and support you when the hard times come, and most of all, to enjoy and cherish you not only as a daughter, but as a friend.  You are a wonderful, beautiful woman Kim, and I want you to know that you have given me so much in life, I would not be the person I am if I had not had someone as precious as you in my life.  How appropriate that the day I brought you home I also celebrated my very first "Mothers Day". 

I dedicate this to you Kim, to all the good times, all the hard times, all the bumps and bruises and tears, to all the broken hearts over those dumb boys, all the homework, fights with girlfriends, all the joy at achieving moments, and I just want to thank you for being who you are.  Perfect?  I think not, but I wouldn't want to have anyone other than you for a daughter....I love you for who you are, and I always will.  Happy Birthday darling daughter, may you have many, many happy years ahead, filled with Love, happiness, health, and wonderful memories.  I will always love you.  Mom

 
A baby asked God, 'They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?' God said, 'Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.'

The child further inquired, 'But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.' God said, 'Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy.'

Again the child asked, 'And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?' God said, 'Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.'

'And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?' God said, 'Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.'

'Who will protect me?' God said, 'Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.'

'But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.' God said, 'Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you'

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, 'God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.'

God said, 'You will simply call her, 'Mom.'

*courtesy of foreverjustice *

WATCH THIS:

Think of this guy the next time you're thinking that your life sucks!

He's one hell of a man! 

http://www.surkes.citymaker.com/f/claydyer_espn2.wmv

This man learned a valuable lesson in the use of the English language...

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid
for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a
wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically
produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This
is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and
then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you
have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the
medicine from working?'

Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. But when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful
of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she
came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked,
What was the 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition.

Well, I made it!  This past weekend was the first birthday I have ever endured (I choose that over celebrated for obvious reasons) without my Father!

My Dad!  What a guy!  His father shared the same birthday as I did, however he passed away when I was only 2, so I never got to know my Grandpa.  But my Dad made sure he told me plenty of stories about Grandpa, and to make MY birthday even more special, he had this little "game" we would enjoy each and every year.  All of last week, I cried and was deeply depressed thinking of how I just didn't want the day to come.  It will never be the same, it wasn't going to be the same, I just didn't want that day to come.

My Dad would call me.  He would say Happy Birthday to me, we'd chat, he would ask me how I was doing, all the normal day to day conversational things you talk about.  Then he would say "And do you know who else has a birthday today?"  It was cute, because after so many years he actually asked like I would forget!  How could I???

I would always reply of course..... "It's my Grandpa, your Dad's birthday!"

It may not seem like much, but to me, it was the one day of the year when I felt like the most special person in the family.  My Dad made me feel like I was THE only one that mattered!  And I will cherish that forever!  But, I am a grown up, and though I am far from done grieving my Dad's loss, I know that phone call will never come again.  So this year, I changed things up a bit.  I went to the cemetery all by myself (I usually take Mom with me since she does not drive).  I tromped thru calf deep snow, 20 below zero winds blowing, and got to where my Father lays, and I asked him "do you know who's birthday it is today?"  Then I talked to him, to Grandpa, Grandma, and my Uncle who also lies in rest there in their family plot.  I stayed there for 20 minutes or so.  I tried not to cry because I was seriously afraid with those temperatures, my tears would freeze my eyeballs or something.  Then I went to church!  I lit candles!  And I prayed!  As I prayed, the tears came, (I never realized this until my hands were soaking wet).  When I got up to leave, I realized something.  Dad did call me, just in a different way.  And he will always remind me of the special day that I share with my Grandpa.  I felt a huge sense of peace sweep over me that I had not felt all week.

It was at that time that I made my decisions.  2 of them. 

1. I am going to legally change my name back to my Maiden name (should have done it when I got the divorce).

2. I'm going to get my first tattoo to honor my Father.  Anyone who is artistic here that wants to play around with design can feel free to come up with ideas for me.  I have celtic knots and sacred hearts in mind so far.  Dad was a proud Irish man and a good Catholic.  I want to honor that aspect of his life.

I feel good knowing my decisions are made.  Now I just have to work on those 2 decisions. 

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!
Let's see how much you remember!

1. Was your first born planned? yes and it took 2 years of trying til we got it right ;)

2. Were you married at the time? yeppers.

3. What were your reactions? I threw up ALOT!  But I was EXCITED (in between trips to the porcelain god)

4. Was abortion an option for you? NEVER!!!

5. How old were you? 23

6. How did you find out you were pregnant? doctors office blood test 

7. Who did you tell first? My friend who took me to get the test, then my mom, then my hubby.

8. Did you want to find out the sex? no

9. Due date? April 29, 1983

10. Did you have morning sickness? And afternoon sickness, and evening sickness, for all 9 months.

11. What did you crave? Lay's potato chips (originals)

12. Who/what irritated you the most?  My Ob/Gyn.......he was an a$$hole!

13. What was your first child's sex? all GIRL :D

14. Did you wish you had the opposite sex of what you were getting? Nope!  She was gorgeous (still is)

15. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy? lost about 20, then gained about 25 back pounds

16. Did you have a baby shower? yes

18. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? Just the extreme morning sickness and 2 weeks before I had her I dislocated my jaw!  (was fun watching all the doctors get all freaked out thinking I would go into labor with a dislocated jaw.) 

19. Where did you give birth? In a hospital of course ;)

20. How many hours were you in labor? 36 hrs Labor wanted to push and the a$$ didn't want to let me, a nurse came in behind him and told me to ignore him and to start pushing (Now ya know why I love nurses)

21. Who drove you to the hospital? My hubby.

22. Who watched you give birth? Hubby, and an assortment of nurses, the doctor, no one else.......(oh, look honey, up in the mirror, there's her little head!!!  WTF....EXCUSE ME ASSHAT, I'M A LITTLE BUSY PUSHING A CABBAGE PATCH DOLL THROUGH MY VA-JAY-JAY!)

23. Was it natural or c-section? Considering she came out the hole she was supposed to, I suppose it was natural!  Although, when you think of it, whoever termed it "natural" obviously never gave birth!

24. Did you take medicine to ease the pain? As much as they would give me!

25. How much did your child weigh? 6lbs. 15 oz.

26. When was your child actually born?  May 4, 1983  4:28 p.m.

27. What did you name the child? Kimberly Ann

28. How old is your first born today? 25 and 3/4



Are you a mama? Wanna play along? Then you are tagged!

my new love! Big brown eyes, loves me back, and as cute as can be!!!!!!!!

I just got back from church with Mom.  We go Saturday evenings instead of Sunday mornings.  This is nice, because then I have one day where I can sleep in.

This morning, I said see ya, to a good friend.  It's not good bye, because we'll keep in touch, however we won't be seeing each other.  It will only be emails, or the rare phone call.  Someone who I've known about a year, someone who helped me through the most painful time in my life.  The death and first year of life without my Father! 

So, I go to church, and I prayed, really hard that I would be able to suck it up and stay strong this weekend, my First Father's Day without my Dad.  Well, I was doing ok until the end of Mass when the priest had all the Dads stand up for a special blessing!  Oh how my heart still hurts!  I really lost it, and I suppose people really thought I was a fool, but I don't care!  I still love and miss my Dad very much!

Next week, Saturday, will be the 1 year anniversary of my life on earth without my Father.  Sounds so dramatic don't you think?  However dramatic is hardly the word for it.  Excruciating is more like it.  However, I do like to think that there have been times over this past year that he has smiled down on us and nodded as we have done things to honor him, things such as my taking back my maiden name, or our putting fresh flowers on his grave site.  Or how about the masses we had said in his memory?  The trips to the casino where we searched for his favorite machine and "donated" money to that slot machine in his memory!  It's true, because we didn't win out of the machine!  It was his machine! 

First Fathers Day In Heaven

Your first Fathers Day in Heaven

What a glorious place

You see the angels all around

Smiles on every face.

The life you left behind on earth

It's simply not the same.

We cannot help but miss you Dad

Without the candle, where's the flame?

We take good care of Mother Dear,

Just like you asked us to.

But Dad her life is lonely now,

She doesn't have her "Du".

You're out of pain, no longer ill,

For that we all are pleased,

The only thing we found solace in

When your pain God chose to ease.

Heaven has it's Irish star,

As you laugh, sing, & dance away,

We hope that God is blessing you

On your first Heavenly Father's Day.

Happy Fathers Day Daddy, I miss you, and I love you!  Lynn

I have seen many couples in my life, some that should be together, some that can't be together, some that wish they were together, some that wish they never had gotten together, some that hope they get together someday, some that always knew they would get together, some that are very unlikely pairings to the outsider, some couples like my ex husbands aunt/uncle who danced at our wedding and everyone just stopped to watch because they just danced so well together that they looked like they had been dancing together forever, but the one that I witnessed on my recent trip to Maryland has left my heart in a state of absolute awe. The couple I am speaking of is Dismh8 & Resable . Considering this is the first time that Kim and I just met them, it was uncanny how we both felt like we were watching a perfectly matched pair in action from the minute we joined them. They compliment each other in so very many ways, it was just so nice being around them. Theirs was not a loud, scream in your face type of love, nor was it a meek and humble type of love. It was solid, beautiful and very self assured. They both have very good conversational skills so it wasn't like one carried the whole show! They had their little private jokes and "ha ha" moments while we were there, but even when you were in the midst of them sharing those, you never felt that uncomfortable uneasiness that one can feel when you are with a couple that seems so much in love. We never felt like we were intruding on their "couple time". We felt like we were a welcome addition to it. Yet the underlying "love" they have for each other was always there. Dev is very much a gentleman in his treatment of Resa (well, all of us girls actually) but most especially with Resa. Always offering his hand, or arm when we were out walking, always looking out for her...just warmed my heart! Resa on the other hand, was not a typical "gushy" female either. She was warm, confident, and loving. A sense of pride over "my guy" yet not territorial the way women can be was so refreshing, it was such a pleasure to be around. We got to hear how they were friends before they started dating (I highly recommend it) and we witnessed the bond they have. There is not a bond any tighter, and they are very secure in their love for each other. I myself have not ever experienced or been in this type of HEALTHY AND LOVING relationship and often times in my life when I have been the 3rd wheel with another couple, I have felt the want/need to steal a little bit of the spotlight/attention for myself and I know I feel jealous and whiney about what I have never had...you know the old "why can't I have someone like that?" This has to be the first time in my entire adult life where I was in the presence of a man who is not only attractive, but attentive, kind, gentlemanly, and just a pleasure to be around (Resa, you know he's a keeper!) and I felt no urge to be anything other than glad that they both welcomed me into their home/world.  It was so fun for both Kim and I to just enjoy watching them love each other...the funny little things they say to each other, the unspoken things they already know about each other, the stolen looks, the way he held her hand, or the sweet and affectionate way he snuggled his head into her shoulder when he was getting tired when we girls were just getting started on the girl talk and chatter.........

I have to say honestly, that if this is what real, healthy love is like, I want some!  However...if I can't have something that is just as real as what Resa and Dev have...then I'd rather be alone! 

Ladies and gentlemen.......This is a real love story!!!  I could go on and on and I actually feel like this blog is not even adequate to describe what they have, it pales in comparison to what Kim and I witnessed!  It was just too incredible and left my heart forever touched!  Thank you two for sharing that with us!

I've been quiet on Mindsay for a long time now.  I don't really have a whole lot to say at all anymore, other than to comment on other peoples' blogs, and I have had a whole lot going on in my head for the past year or so, but most especially the past month or two.

Things that close friends/family may know about me but things I may not share here have caused me to contemplate much about my life, my behavior, who I am, why I am the way I am, and what I would/could change.

There's not a whole lot I have come to conclude other than the fact that realizing and coming to accept certain realities about oneself does not mean you like those said realities, nor does it mean they are things that can be changed.  They may be circumstances you are forced to deal with due to past mistakes, actions of others, or just life in general.  But accepting what is can be beneficial in so far as you can quit banging your head against the wall trying to figure out the "why" or the "how come" of the situation.

I know that certain facts of my life are never going to change, even though I don't necessarily deserve them to remain the same.  However, there are facts that will remain constant with no chance of change so I have to just accept what is and make the most of my life as it is and relish when I can find happiness in other avenues.  Sounds cryptic I know, it's not meant to be.  Just means that I think I have finally learned something rather important in the formation and development of who I am suppose to become.  It may not matter a hill of beans worth to the majority of those who read this.  However, there are a select few that may actually benefit from this by examining their own lives and perhaps finding the same acceptance of what "just is".  Sometimes through no fault of your own, things change, and there really isn't anything you can do to change the outcome.

I have finally realized that I will likely never have a lot of money, fame, a great love of a lifetime, or be the creator of any great accomplishments (unless you count my children....which I certainly DO!).  However, at this stage of the game, it is not so much that I am giving up on life as I am accepting what my life is.   Do I rule out having any of those named things that most people chase their entire life looking for?  No, not really.  I just have found my personal peace is giving me more satisfaction than the struggle to "try" to attain what could turn out to be an impossibility.  So I accept.  If they happen, either, any or all of these wonderful things....I can embrace them with the passion of surprise because I will have not been "waiting at the door" for them to arrive.  No, they will be like unexpected guests, who come to make my life happier, easier, and perhaps, a little more fun.  But I won't be a loser in this game of life if they never show up at all.  That's because I already have all that I need!   A loving family, good friends, and just enough of anything else I could possibly need.

I just never thought it would take me this long to get here.

I has a sad!  I just realized that Sunday is the 15 month anniversary of my Dad's death.  While I do think I'm doing reasonably well (grief wise) I just wonder if every month on or around the 27th I'm going to be acutely aware of the date and be taken back to that day.  I'm still not sure if I'm glad I was there at the end or not.  The days leading up to it...yes, we were able to have some good interaction and discussions.  But that last day.....oh that was horrible.  And the images are still all too clear!  My youngest brother (who couldn't be there) actually wanted us to take pictures as our Dad lay dying.  We didn't.  I wonder if we did the right thing for him.  I envy his not having the images I have!

I still miss you Dad.

There was this lovely woman, kind, very kind in fact, who did anything and everything she could for those around her.  She cherished her friendships and relationships, taking great care to let those she knew in her life that she loved know that they were of extreme value to her.  She didn't have worldly wealth, but she always helped out, held doors, offered a helping hand wherever she could. She gave of herself, when she could, wherever she could. 

She did this with the most attention for her Mother, a wonderful woman who had become a widow 15 months earlier.  She did this out of love for her Mother, the woman who gave her life, her Mother, her confidante, her best friend, the one person who loved her unconditionally since birth, someone who never judged her even when she did things that were others thought were foolhardy or risky.  Her Mother who always took the time to talk to her, to listen to her cry, to just be there for her, day or night, no matter what.  This was reason enough.  However, she did this most especially because of the vow she made to him on his death bed.  "Take care of Momma for me" he struggled to get out in his raspy voice.  The voice had been ravaged by tubes and surgeries.  6 weeks of laying there having gone through every indignity possible, and he fought every one of them, all the while telling them he loved them.  Telling them how much he would miss them, how special they were. 

He Died, leaving a sadness within their hearts.  They all grieved and gradually all moved on.  She struggled as the go between with her siblings as they disagreed on any number of things that needed to be done, some regarding the worn down home they all grew up in, some regarding their Beloved Mother.  She listened as she was talked to like an old dried up spinster with no life who should get a life and not spend so much time with her Mother cringing inside realizing that they don't have a clue just how close she was to her Mother.  She felt sad thinking that he would not ever know how wonderful Mom was because he never took the time to ever really listen to her, or to get to know her as a person beyond the "Mother" that she was.  She was an incredible woman, funny, sweet, loving and kind this Mother of ours.  Strong beyond belief to have endured a lifetime of pain, with a faith in humanity and God that sustained her on her darkest days.  They didn't know her at all!  But I do!  And I won't give her up, not because of selfish reasons though.  Not because I feel like my life is somehow being cheated.  Not because I have no time for me (I have as much as I need/want).  Not because I need friends my own age as I have been told!  I won't give her up because of my love for her.  I won't give her up because of my respect for her thoughts, opinions and feelings, and most importantly...

I won't give her up because of that Promise! 

I will take care of her Dad!

I PROMISE!